Pain...what I went through this weekend was bullshit...and more random thoughts and rants.

I just do not know where to start, in writing this blog I hope to spread a little awareness. I have not written in a couple of years, in some ways I am in a different place than I was my last blog entry, in others I have not moved an inch. 

These past couple of years there has been an explosion in the reporting of opiate/heroin overdoses in the state I live in. It seems that every day there is a report of a heroin OD in rural America. We are burying our young over this epidemic and it IS scary. In fact, in my small section of Connecticut, you would be hard pressed to find someone who has not been affected by an opiate OD in one way or another. 


People with legit chronic pain and the physicians that take care of them are in the middle of this mess. I think it has been well established that the pharmaceutical companies marketed Oxycontin in a way that was both dangerous to patients and manipulative to the medical community. 

Doctors are on 'red alert' with anyone who mentions pain these days. patients are really suffering. 


Here is the thing; one of the most frustrating aspects of seeking treatment to any chronic pain syndrome is that it is a red flag to the physician if a patient is knowledgeable about pain medications. Addicts know what gets them high (that one that starts with a "d"...) and their manipulation knows no bounds. So I get it, but it is still unfair. 

It is extremely frustrating to dummy myself down when I go into my doctor to talk about pain management. I have taken several graduate level classes in psychopharmacology, all them about drugs of addiction AND I have been in chronic pain for no less than 10 years.

I know some shit but somehow my knowledge is suspect rather than helpful. If I suggest something....red alert, red alert. 

Enter 'pain contracts'.

 These days 'pain contracts' are pretty standard in the management of chronic pain, it is a list of things you must do if ones physician agrees to treat pain. This can include random urine tests, random pill counts where the office calls you and gives you a certain amount of time to bring your meds into the office so they can count them, just to make sure you are taking them correctly and not diverting the drugs.  If a patient refuses or breaks the contract they will be terminated from the practice without medications and put into painful withdrawals. 

I FULLY understand why these things are used, however, these are not contracts by any stretch of the imagination. My doctor can refuse or terminate treatment for any reason. ANY reason. 


The first time I had to sign a pain 'contract' was a few years back. I knew for a fact that this doctor did not have everyone sign these contracts.  It was like a punch in the gut when he pulled the piece of paper out, I thought we had a decent patient/doctor relationship. I was wrong. I pretended it didn't bother me.  It was absolutely humiliating. 

Meanwhile, a friend of mine was making $400.00 a month off of a prescription he prescribed, no contract with that patient. True fucking story. 

Something told this doc that I was a risk and quite frankly not worthy of his trust.. Meanwhile I  watched the doc be manipulated by someone who is a master at the game and one of the best liars I have ever met. 


This weekend I have been in one of the worst, for lack of better words, "pain flares", I have ever had. So much that I am running a fever, unable to sleep, blood pressure is through the roof, edema, sweating profusely and NOTHING relieved it. I woke up with my throat closing on me last night, I was lucky I woke up. Damn lucky I woke up. It was the first time in days I actually had sleep to wake up from. Yes, pain does that to me. 

I am far from functional. 

I have no options. Calling my docs office to gain permission to temporarily raise my dose or add something or ANYTHING, would be denied. In the two years I have been treated at that office,  I have called for out of control pain exactly; once. I was denied any extra treatment, but was told I was welcome to go to the ED if.....yeah,so I don't even bother. 


Calling for a sick visit regarding pain does not net you a same day appointment like it would if you had a fucking cold. I had to beg for an appointment and only got one because someone cancelled. This is not because my doctor is uncaring or unwilling, this is just how it is these days. February for the specialist. 

Meanwhile, I am losing money from lost wages...but you know, contract. 

I have a life, I have a career, I have a family I have goals, dreams and vacations to take. I am knowledgeable, I am trustworthy, smart and the only thing I have to gain from adequate treatment is my life back. Somehow none of that matters because in the end, my life is in the hands of people who do not trust me. 

I am not going through what I went through this week again, something has to give, someone needs to come up with something because this is bullshit. 



P.S.

The physicians that do treat my pain are kind, compassionate and professional..point is, trust goes both ways. Do no harm.