Dinner time!!! On Facebook

The above is a picture of a beautiful homemade stuffed lobster my husband made for me on my birthday this year. The recipe comes from my mom-in-law, who is an amazing cook. The stuffing is full of delicious goodness like real shrimp and scallops,as well as other wonderfully fattening things.

Butter, Sherry....oh the yums....obviously we do not have this meal often as it is expensive to make and only for special occasions. We do not bother to ever eat baked stuffed lobster in any restaurant, compared to this; they all suck.

See, I love food, I love to cook and for the past year I have taken to finding recipes my friends post over their Facebook timelines and actually making them. I have had some really great successes, such as these;

Apple Dumplings....they were so awesome, I made them twice.....

This was a chicken, white bean chili that also came out pretty awesome....

Let's not forget St. Patricks day........

You get the picture, I am one of those people who takes pics of my dinner and posts them on my timeline. (sorry, not sorry)-I also enjoy others food porn. No, seriously..I like those posts my friends make showing me their culinary creation for the evening. I truly do.

Until now.

All food porn must stop. Please.

With this new blood disorder that is taking over my life, I have developed multiple chemical sensitivities..AKA; allergies. But they are not really allergies.....not in the traditional sense anyways.
Here is a link to an explanation as to what Mast Cell issues are;

Why Food Hates Me (Lisa is an amazing woman)

Yesterday, everything I put NEAR my mouth caused my mast cells to abuse me. Everything but;
Cucumbers
Green and black olives
Romaine Lettuce


I ate three salads yesterday and a cucumber. I was reacting so bad by the end of the day, my last salad was just a plate of romaine lettuce. No dressing, no crunchies, no lettuce enhancements.

 This would not be food porn I would share with my friends.......

A few weeks ago, in order to identify my "allergies-not-allergies", I did a two week raw elimination diet. I figured out that tomatoes and potatoes are things to avoid like Ebola.

At the end of the two weeks I had lost 10 pounds, great huh?

Yeah...no.

I craved pizza SOOOO bad, I could not help myself. I called my local pizza shop (drug dealer) and ordered up the pizza of all pizza. I was feeling awesome and felt that my histamine levels were low enough that if I took my medications before I ate, I would be ok.

I ate the entire thing. Every single piece. It was DIVINE!! Omg, it was heaven.

One ER trip later.......

I will spare you the details......

So, last night as I was "enjoying" (aka; crying while eating, AKA; feeling sorry for myself while eating) my plate of plain lettuce, I get on facebook and see all the wonderful creations my friends had for dinner. I then decided that I have to avoid FB at dinner time until I fully accept the drastic life changes I need to make. After all, I can not expect the world to change for me.

I am thinking that it is something like keeping a heroin addict away from heroin.....

And yes, I am allergic to Tofu...Tofu is nasty nasty nasty. No Tofu....


Oh, and I also have to hand in my irish card. I am highly allergic to alcohol. While I am not much of a drinker, every couple of months I did enjoy a Guinness or a margarita when eating out.

                                             GUINNESS: 1991-2014 RIP
                                 We had a good run........

Chronic illness and waiting until the last possible minute for care

I grew up in a medical household, my dad is a (now retired) firefighter and my mom is a nurse; when my parents divorced, my mom decided to go back to school to fulfill her childhood dream to become a medical professional. She also wanted to be self-sufficient, she never wanted to be one of those woman whose only means of finances was to rely on a man.

 She was NEVER going to be one of those women who were too weak to make it on their own.

I remember the day she was accepted into the program, I was about 9 years old, I also distinctly remember the hours she spent studying;  she would often hand me one of her notebooks filled with notes and would ask me to help her with a test she had the following day.

. What 9 year old knows what  acetylsalicylic acid is? This one did!!

The thing about having medical people as your parents is that they see the sick of the sick, my dad scraped body parts off the highway and my mom took care of some really sick people. For the family members this means one has to be bleeding out of their eyeballs in order to get any kind of medical care at home. Now, I am not saying I was "medically neglected", I wasn't but my mom and dad never rushed out at the first cough to get antibiotics. They knew these things had a natural course and with or without medication, the trajectory of my runny nose was going to be the same. 


This has been my attitude pretty much all my life. I adapted the same non-hysteria treatment with my kids, luckily, they weren't sick children. They went to the Dr when it was appropriate. I think that in the 24 years I have been a parent, my kids have used antibiotics MAYBE three times; collectively. 


Through my life, the only time I went to the Dr was when I broke something. Actually, the first time I broke my tailbone I did not even alert my parents, I dealt with it, I was 16 at the time and did not have time to go to the Dr., that and my mom did not seem it was odd I was crawling to the bathroom.

 The second time, I was 26 and bringing up a new family, I just did not have time. I dealt with the pain (I used to have an incredibly high pain threshold) and lived my life.

Then my back went, I lived with horrid back pain for about 10 years before I woke up one morning with a totally numb leg. Heck, even waking up with foot drop and a numb leg STILL did not bring me into the ER 'til well later into the night. I really thought the pins and needles thing would go away.

I ended up in emergency surgery the next morning, I am fortunate the outcome was good, but I can not help to feel that had I taken care of it when the symptoms started, I would not have as much numbness in my leg today.

When my Graves disease hit, I ignored those signs and diagnoses for a year, ended up with a thyroid storm and in the hospital for a week. Twice, Heck, even with the storm, I ignored the serious heart-attack like symptoms for a few days before I felt it was time to do something about it.
Luckily, the Graves has been in remission for over a year.

I am not one to ask for expensive tests, I am not one to want to be diagnosed with this and that and as I dive headfirst into seeing nearly every specialist out there, the diagnoses are going to rack up.

This past year has been a medical challenge, finding a PCP who will fit all my criteria, was a difficult process.  One woman,  all she wanted to do was send me to the ER, then I was chastised by an ER physician...for going to the ER when in the middle of a hypertensive emergency.

Another PCP Dr  lied to me. Well, that ended the therapeutic relationship pretty quickly. Another provider had a lying medical assistant, that  right off ruined what could have been a good relationship with an APRN I REALLY liked.

 Yet another medical assistant felt it was appropriate to suggest specific medications for blood pressure when I wasn't even seeing the physician for BP. Outside the scope of her practice much?

 Yeah, it was suggested to me that I let the providers know of these blights....the only thing that comes out of complaining to a Dr about their staff, is obtaining a reputation of being a difficult patient. Once one gets that moniker attached to their name (verbally or notated on chart), the patient is the one who suffers greatly. Any physician who reads that will become judgemental, dismissive and ones medical care will suffer when a patient is labeled "manipulative", despite the absence of secondary gain, or any other behavior suggested as such-the medical world looks at you differently. There are no two sides to every story written on a medical chart.

 But that is for another blog.

In order to try and get over my distrust of the medical community, I have taken to reading blogs from doctors and nurses as well as other patients who suffer from rare chronic diseases. I desperately want to have good relationships with my providers. At this point, I really have no choice. I can not longer ignore the constellation of symptoms I face every single day. After spending hours reading these blogs and message boards, it is clear that the problem is pervasive.  There is a HUGE disconnect between people with chronic illnesses and the medical staff that they go to.

Take a look at what this "physician" writes about Fibromyalgia; Douchebag ER Doc . Sadly, this is a common attitude among physicians who are not up on the recent research. I do not have fibro, but I have friends who do and I know the devastating effects it can have on people. This "Dr" eventually stopped blogging because he was tired of the "douchebag" commenters calling him out on his crap.

We have all seen the "I'M LEAVING BUT BEFORE I DO I AM GOING TO THROW A FIT BECAUSE YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF ME" tirade that some histrionic people use on message boards...well, that is exactly what he did, after putting out an incredibly insulting post (I understand gallows humor, he is not showing gallows humor at all)...he went and played the victim. Poor him.

I work in behavioral health, I have taken abuse from many of the people I have worked with, I have NEVER treated anyone poorly while in my position. I have had feces thrown at me, called horrible names, had a non-ambulatory patient launch themselves out of their wheelchair to aim for my hair which took me down quickly. (I had my hands up the whole time, there was no way I could defend myself against this woman-it would have been abuse), I have had money stolen and have been falsely accused and honestly manipulated;  It is part of my job....I knew that from day one. So the excuse of "it is hard to work in the medical community" is simply bullshit.

I will not lower my standards because someone is burnt out, incompetent and has lost their humanity.

I have also read some incredibly compassionate blogs from doctors who are tired of the abuse some of their colleagues deal out on a regular basis. These are the doctors, nurses and medical assistants that I want on my team.  These are the professionals who will dig their heels in to get a diagnoses, the ones who will advocate for their patients, the ones who will admit they are frustrated with the system as well. The ones who will not slam a window in your face as you are checking in for an appointment. The ones who listen to their patients concerns and are genuinely interested in helping people.

I have had excellent medical care from some physicians, I know they are out there.

My job is to find them and to be compliant with a care plan that will someday be in place. I am taking a proactive approach to addressing my physician - induced anxiety and I am hoping is works. Finding a PCP was my first step and I really lucked out with him- my condition involves the potential for frequent ER visits, anaphylaxis is no joke....the link above represents the attitude some ER docs have  towards  people with chronic illnesses, I have been treated terribly at ER's, so have nearly all of my friends who suffer from chronic illnesses...and this is not acceptable.

These physicians are a danger to the community, they cause harm....being treated poorly by those in a position of power (they have your health in their hands) is a traumatic experience and has the potential to prevent someone from seeking the medical attention they need to breath.(medical PTSD is very real with those who have chronic illnesses) It is the VERY reason I put off going to the ER for my thyroid storm.

 I can not allow the sins of the past to get in the way of having my life saved. It has been suggested to me that I meet with the nurse manager as well as the ER Chief to let them know the acceptable protocol for treating my emergencies. What I am being diagnosed for is extremely rare and it would be unreasonable for me to think all doctors know how to properly treat me in the ED...educating them and giving a warning, I feel is a fair way to handle this. I hope they are receptive to this.

Maybe after this happens I will no longer wait until the last possible minute to seek care, perhaps it will cut my anxiety and improve my relationship with the medical community.

Time will tell

Week 2 on steroids, the bodies are buried.....

Prednisone; the miracle drug. Treats everything; hives, sunburn, back inflammation, cancer. Some would call it a miracle drug, I can only imagine the bucket loads of this stuff delivered to hospitals, I mean EVERYONE gets a steroid.

Steroid for you, steroid for you and you and you.....

I like to call it; EAT EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN, THEN MURDER PEOPLE WHILE MANIACALLY SMILING drug.

Some perspective;

My husband volunteered to work a double yesterday, a third shift double and my daughter stayed at one of MY friends houses. 

I had slept 3 hours in three days when I called my Dr to let him know I had not slept, my face was the size of Mercury and my right leg was catching up; his nurse (who I normally love) told me to "close the shades in your room and make sure the kids are quiet" to help with my steroid induced insomnia.....

I am not sure why my family scattered, I mean, I was FINE. 

Fucked up

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

In a moment of clarity I decided to place my cell phone out in my car so I wouldn't steroid-dial people. 

The phone is still out there. 

It is safer that way, I would really like some friends left when I stop this course of medicine. 

Oh, and that whole..MUST EAT EVERYTHING while on steroids thing; WTF. I have not had the munchies like that since a 1989 Grateful Dead concert. 

I did get some sleep last night, that is why you have not seen my mercury size face on the evening news, I fell into some kind of coma and felt refreshed this morning. 

When my hubby came home, he made sure the coffee he brought me entered the room before he did, You know..kind of like the white flag being waved at the end of a losing battle. 

This experience shall be called; AFGO

Another

Fucking

Growth 

Opportunity

This too shall pass.....as it always does.

Victimhood, pity, strength and the destructiveness of jealousy

We all have a tale to tell, we all have a back story so to speak. We have all experienced trauma in some way, and we have all experienced joy in one thing or another. The hurdles life places in our way are sometimes overwhelming, not everyone jumps gracefully. I think it is safe to say we have all tripped over those hurdles and have fallen flat on our face...I know I have suffered a life concussion or two..three, through this journey we call life.

We all have.

But we all know people who seem to play the victim.....all the time. They are the ones who are stuck in a mind set that the world owes them something simply because they were born. They are the people that because they are having a bad day they have to suck the soul out of everyone else.

They thrive on jealousy, love to put others down and look at others successes with disdain. These are people who just can not see past their own noses.
They thrive on hate and seek pity. And they see nothing wrong with what they do. We all have attention seekers in our lives.

I look at my friends on Facebook and I see an amazing group of people, many of which have been through trauma  most of us avoid even imagining.
 I have friends who have buried their own children, friends who have seen war and came back to the American public spitting on them or have come back with PTSD and physical injuries that cause daily challenges.

People who have broken cycles of addiction and everything that goes with that.

Friends who have suffered abuse that is so horrid most of us only hear about it on the news, often times the abuse was perpetrated by a trusted person in authority....a parent, clergy, neighbor, physician. ..I could go on.

Friends who have gone out on a Sunday drive on their motorcycles/cars and ended up broken; they are put back together piece by piece, titanium rods reconstructing their legs and skulls.

 People who have been diagnosed with cancer and rare brain disorders that can kill them.

These people, whom I am proud to call my friends, achieve amazing things;
 They set up not-for profits in order to gain awareness of the dangers of texting and driving; they organize fundraisers for our local hospital, they learn a new skill such as poetry in order to help cope with their daily chronic pain.
They have donated their time to counsel victims of sexual assault, they go back to school after a life changing back injury that has rendered them unemployable in their chosen field.
I've met physicians through FB that have truly dedicated their lives to treat chronic intractable pain, they are pioneers.

These people reach out to others when they see they are hurting because they do not want others to feel the way they themselves have felt.

 Compassionate people who do not truly know they are not only changing their lives but positively affecting those around them.

My soldier friends are passionate about the plight of the human condition...even if I do not agree with their politics, they are passionate about caring about the very people whom have spit on them or have ignored them after they came home from their deployment. They have dedicated their lives to the betterment of society, they have become teachers, police officers and even a few musicians.

Self-pity is not in their vocabulary. They do not do what they do in order to receive pity or a pat on the back, they do it because of passion and a will to survive and thrive in this life.

Then there is the opposite. Then there are the liars and the histrionics who THRIVE on pity and manipulation. I can not tell you how destructive these people are.

Our family was manipulated by a sociopath who started the behavior when she was pretty young. She told us of horrible abuse at the hands of her boyfriend, she paints on black eyes and goes to school and tells people she was beaten. She messed up cutting her hair and told people she was going through chemo.....she often came to our house because she claimed her parents did not feed her. She spent weekends at our home and told some tall tales, she even slept in the back of my husbands pick-up truck once because she claimed she was kicked out of her house-we did not know until after the fact.

The girl has caused a lot of destruction.

 she left her tablet at our house, there were things on that tablet that were so alarming we had to contact the police, together we came up with a plan.

 The detective was to give the tablet to her mom with the instructions to look through the contents, hoping mom would see the illness that is within her daughter and to maybe think about getting help for her obviously mentally ill child.

That did not work, her parents are very sick people and pretty much live their lives the same way. A lie. Some of the things they have said to mutual friends have gotten back to me.....these are some seriously sick people.
The girl has been harassing me for about a year now, she believes she is being anonymous..... knowing she is mentally ill and surrounded by a mentally ill family, I have declined to press charges, but that is ending now because she needs some natural consequences, unfortunately there are going to be people drawn into this who do not deserve it.....but again, natural consequences. Maybe the embarrassment of being called out as shitty people will help on the road to some sort of recovery.

I do not hold out a lot of hope though....

She has learned that negative attention and the pity of others is worth the lies and drama and it is clear she learned it from if not one of her parents...both of them.

I know people who have not learned that lesson, they grow up to be angry, self-centered, manipulative adults who harp on some imagined slight that may have happened 15 years ago.

 They are jealous over what others have, they are unable to make friends and are so judgemental over others that self-introspection is impossible.

 Everything is everyone elses fault.

 They are forever offering excuses for their failures and pretty much have stalled in emotional growth. While we ALL fail, good people accept their role and move on to better pastures rather than staying in a holding pattern of blaming the world.

Those people deserve pity because it is what they want.

 Perhaps I sound selfish and uncaring myself for saying that, after all, shouldn't I understand how people are? Yeah, I suppose I should and to a point I have, but when the story doesn't change after 20 years and you are still playing the victim when so many others have thrived and moved on from real trauma.... I can not expend my energy on those people anymore.

I have too much to do.

To those who inspire me, thank you. You have all been a constant reminder of what I can become.

Chronic Illness, ADHD and the inevitable hilarity that ensues

It has been a tough couple years medically for me, from thyroid storms to back and neck issues, and now this damn mastocytosis/ mast cell activation disorder.

Now, I do realize there are many people out there have it worse than I do.....some Dr's classify Masto as a cancer, while the word sends a chill down everyone's spine- I am not going to any of those Docs, so ...well, I'm good.

But damn. everybody does this so much better than I....How I am going to do this? It is damn overwhelming. I am an adhd kid, that means I am creative, outgoing, have a high IQ, am able to grasp tasks ridiculously quick, I am creative.....and I often break out in song and I lOVE to multitask.

But I am a dipshit. I forget things. I no longer medicate myself, I stopped when I was done with school and recognised some of the behavioral aspects of learning some good organisation skills which helped greatly in my professional life.

 Ok, I do my paperwork at midnight the day they are due, but I do them well. There are just some things that are a little too late to change now. I embrace the good with the bad.....I've got to be me ya know.

I know my ADHD-isms annoy people at times, I am witty as hell and sometimes people do not know how to take my brand of humor and lack of filter.

Anyways

With all this medical angst going on, I have to remember Dr's appointments, this week alone I have had to reschedule the two appointments I missed from the week before. Of course, being a believer of natural consequences I am happily willing to pay the fine the Doc requests, ESPECIALLY since I really like this guy.

 I charmed my way out of the hematologist fine, but that is a one time deal.

I have missed many appointments and have lost a couple of really good docs because of it. Oh, I set reminders on my phone, but I have lost my cell numerous times. So I have taken to emailing myself.

Right after my first back surgery, I missed my four week follow up, Not a good idea....then I ran into the doc at Target, I saw him out of the corner of my eye and had an "OH SHIT" moment...please don't see me, please don't see me, please don't remember me.....

Oh, he saw me, cornered me in the CD department. I tried to play it off as if I didn't feel a little mortified when he came up to me.  We had a little moment in Target, luckily he is a great guy and didn't shame me.  I called the office the next morning and got in really quick. He pointed out to me that I looked a little embarrassed, I denied embarrassment and pointed out I was wearing high heel boots and I was doing great.

Sometime later I forgot that I shouldn't go on roller coasters and ended up needing another surgery.

Oh, then there is the remembering to call for medication refills; I have never really gotten the hang of it. Sometimes I remember to call, a week early, so I call and TELL them I am calling a week early but will pick it up when it is due, hysteria ensues in the office..OMG, SHE CALLED 48 HOURS EARLY....or, I remember when taking my last pill and they ask for a 72 hour call ahead and I have to suffer from my own ADHD form of natural consequences, not their fault I forgot.

Then there is the taking of the meds, yeah, I have  little pill thingy, when I remember to fill it and I don't lose it, it all works out great.

A tried and true sign of ADHD is when you take your ADHD meds. 15 minutes later you forgot whether or not you took it, er on the side of ADHD caution and take another one.

Yeah, I had THE cleanest house and car that day, I am talking ninja cleaning....accompanied by a kick ass dinner that the food channel would praise which included an additional trip to the grocery store all after putting in a day of work.  I crashed hard that night after learning a couple of songs on my instrument of choice at the time.

I have never used my ADHD as an excuse outside of this blog, I make fun of myself with my friends and family, but I never outwardly offered an ADHD defense because I forgot something. To be honest, I do not look at it as a disability or mental disorder, I look at it as a talent the benefits outweigh the downside. It is part of who I am.

But. I know my limitations and that is what maturity has taught me. So the anxiety of failing is always hovering concerning some aspects of my life,.

I am just starting on this journey of an official diagnosis,; I have to see a hematologist, rheumetologist, dermatologist, my PCP, keep procedure appointments, get blood tests,  dig up a new neurosurgeon, learn to trust a new anesthesiologist...and not take my meds twice.

Most mornings I can not find my car keys.

How the hell am I going to do this?

I do not have any other choice but to adjust to this new normal. Hell, I have already lost two epi pens.

I am just of the opinion that people with ADHD should never have a chronic illness. But, the world has different plans and somehow I will also find a way. It is just that right now, it is really overwhelming.

Well, this would be a really good time to find those epi-pens, I am discovering that for today, I developed an allergy to the peanuts I ate during the writing of this blog. Oh wait, I will just steal my daughters, if she herself hasn't lost hers....

Wow, reflection on human services...10 years

I remember my days working in the restaurant business, I loved and hated it at the same time. I mean, I loved the fact that I had money in my pocket when I left my short shift, hated the physical work of it, but because of the choices I made in my early 20'a, I really had little choice but to work in the hospitality industry.

So, I made the best of a situation and took college classes...slowly...one by one, when we could afford it. I was drawn to the "human condition" at Psych. 101. Hooked by the romantic notion of Freud, Id, Ego, Super-ego. All bullshit in a practical sense, but interesting none-the-less. The "hook", I guess was the power of wanting to help people. Wanting to make all their life challenges go away, psychological super-heroism....

It has been 10 years since I made the shift from musician/waitress/manager to the human service field. My first job after putting down the tray was in a long-term-care facility working as music/recreation therapist;

I can not tell you how thrilled I was to have the word "therapist" in my job title.....

I really thought I was the shit....I was going to save everyone. (in a LTC facility no-less-with my guitar, of which at the time I knew 3 chords)

I will never forget my first shift all by myself. I was sitting in my office when I heard my name being called over the loud speaker, I was being called to the nurses station by the nurse manager, I was told to bring my guitar.

I was so excited, nervous, anxious....and so damn proud of myself for the achievement of having my name called throughout the hospital (as it was still called)

When I arrived at the nurses station, smile on my face...guitar in hand, the nurse had, what I will describe as a somewhat devilishly evil look on her face. It wasn't until after she told me of her request that I realized this was going to be a "trial by fire" situation. She knew it, it was my baptism into what would be some major learning lessons.....

Boss-lady RN told me that Mr. Smith was in his final hours, he has no family to aid him into the after-life, would I be so kind as to sit with him and play some music while he takes his final breaths.

There was no saving to be done that night.....none.

I took my guitar into his room, sat with him strumming and softly singing to him as he stepped his way into wherever the after-life takes us. He passed away within the hour. I was truly happy to have had the honor to be with him in his death.

This is a scenario that I would repeat many times over, I got used to death and grief pretty quickly. I learned I was good at comforting people and I was strangely...calm when others emotions were sometimes out of control. I surprised myself.

Through that job, I learned that I was an advocate that I loved the psych patients and I LOVED to de-escalate those who needed to be deescalated.  In essence, I wanted to do what the social workers do...I wanted to solve problems, compassionately.

Since then, I have tried a few fields in human services; addiction, MR, neuropsych/trauma, racked up better qualifications grabbed a couple of certifications and found myself in management.

I learned that I make connections with people better within my work than I do in my social life.

10 years later I realize that I can not save everyone-especially with just a guitar, but I learned that I can and have made a small difference in peoples lives.

I've also learned that I have the wrong educational qualifications to do what I REALLY want to do....

I need to go back to school.

Fuck

I need to add some fancy initials....LCSW-MSW...you know that stuff.

The idea of going back to school not only terrifies me but it also annoys me to no end.

Nowhere in any clinical book are you going to learn that people who suffered from trauma or are deficient in one of their senses are able to read someones body language to the point where they are better than FBI profilers. This is a defense mechanism, survival mode for those who are in the system.

A book will not show you how someone who is street smart and suffers a lifetime addiction to crack will have read all of your weaknesses within the first 10 minutes of meeting them. You are ONLY going to learn the powers of manipulation after you have gone down the road of being manipulated.

You are not going to learn boundaries...you will learn ABOUT them, but you will discover yours by the mistakes you have made. That takes years, and many mistakes. No one will show you how to stay firm on your personal boundaries while trying to be pliable to those you are working with. It is complex!!

A book is not going to show you the different, creative and brutal ways human beings can be dicks to each other. Seeing is believing.

Compassion is not learned in a book, manipulation of a flawed social service system is not taught in a class room....in fact, during internships you are told, "it is what it is"........a statement only uttered out of the mouths of clinicians who need a career change.

Bed Bugs.....you will not be taught about bed bugs. I am the bed bug whisperer.....I own a damn hazmat suit....

No one is going to show you how to hide your tears, drive while crying or when to know when sharing a tear with a client/patient is appropriate.....

No book ever taught me to NEVER say "it is going to be Ok"....truth is, sometimes it is NOT going to be ok....

Most counseling text books will caution you about touching a client, but life will tell you that sometimes a pat on the hand, shoulder or a hug is essential to making that connection. Humans need touch sometimes.

Anyways....

My dream job that I want is to become an ER social worker. Even at 44, I still have some great years in me (even with the health challenges), it is the getting through school part that I do not look forward to.

I need to make a shift.....no doubt I am at an impasse with where I am right now and since I can not convince the licensing board to give me a license because I asked....well, it is time I go back to school.

Fuck.

Looking back, I took the walk of shame with that job, yeah, I got fired. NOT because I didn't do my job well, because I was naive, had no clue about working in a hospital and little training on charting.
I learned the lessons of my defeat well, I write some of the best assessments in my field now, another talent not learned through a book.

never...ever....a dull moment...and some local politics

Sometimes the crazy walks into my life despite the fact I thought I locked the door years ago...I swear that someday I am going to write a book.

Ok, that is bullshit-I can barely write a blog never mind a book...but it is a nice saying.

So, last night, I was laying in bed, minding my own business (and no, that is NOT some euphemism) when my cats all of a sudden got all kinds of sketched out. Now, we all know cats are ass holes....they see shit that is not there (or, we would like to think there is nothing there) and get all freaked out-but the kitty freak out was accompanied by my husbands voice saying, "who are you looking for, no there is no one living here by that name".

It was 2:30am.....these are not normal conversations by any stretch of the imagination, so I got my cold ass up to see what was going on.

The cats cowered in the bedroom. Fuckers

Anyways....

It turned out that some young lady decided to walk into our house, and no, we didn't know her. Add that to the fact I heard SOBBING coming from my back yard, I thought it was time to call our local officers to my house. This is where things get interesting....

This is kind of the exchange I had with the 911 dispatchers;

Dispatcher 1: 911, what it your emergency?

Tired Me: Um, some woman just tried to walk into our house and we don't know her....

Dis. 1:  Ok, Ma'am (yeah, he went there)..I am going to transfer you, please hold

Tired-Irritated-me: oooooooo k


Dispatcher 2: 911, what is your emergency

Relieved Me: ok, um, there is some lady walking around outside, sobbing-and she tried to walk into our house, we do not know this person

Dis. 2: Ok, Ma'am (ok, that is WAAAY to many Ma'ams) please hold while I transfer you to 911

Really Irritated Me: oooooooo kay

Dispatcher 3: 911, where is your emergency?

Adrenaline-Filled Me: 42 Wallaby Way (you think I am giving internet strangers my real address, you are nuts)

Dis. 3: Ok Ma'am (STOP IT ALREADY!!!!) what is your emergency....

Waiting To Be Transferred Again Me: Ok, there is this woman, and she is sobbing she tried to get into our house and now there is a car. ......


And this is where the transfers stopped...and this is where I finally get to the point of my blog....


Recently, our Gov. decided to cut our state police budget and consolidated 911 services.  Now, when one calls 911 in my side of my great state of Ct, ones call may go up to an hour away to a place I will now refer to as China-lite.

This is not our troopers fault at all. Ct State Police are some of the best in the country, that is simply a fact. This is the fault of our government-FAILING THE PEOPLE of this state.

I am going to play a game of "What If"

What If; I was an elderly person who confuses easily?

What If; I was a handicapped person who confuses easily?

What If; This person had a knife (gun, machete-insert weapon of choice) and was chasing my ass around the house.....(ok, I KNOW that this is an unrealistic scenerio as I do not run...anywhere, but just stick with me for a second.....)

What If; I was in a motor vehicle accident, bleeding, losing conciousness....yada yada...

I am expected to keep my wits about me while being transferred 3 times??????



SERIOUSLY???????


Who in the hell was the damn rocket scientist who thought of this? Let's consolidate a shit-ton of departments...Fire, State AND local police to one place 45 minutes away????? I no longer know how our 911 system works, but I am guessing these dispatchers are expected to know ALL the PD's, Fire departments in what was once a three district area....

This does not please me...and it WILL cost lives.

Growing up in a first responder household, I learned at a young age; ONE SHOULD NEVER...EVER cut EMS budgets. I want my tax dollars to go to two things, emergency services (town or state) and social services (the latter being MY profession)

Do NOT cut our Troopers....

I will tell you why....


Last night, pretty much EMS armageddon happened on I 95....3 major accidents involving NUMEROUS motor vehicles, a dead 2 year old and several serious injuries.

It is my preliminary opinion that there weren't enough Troopers on the road to prevent the third accident. On my area of 95, there are only 2 troopers who patrol a very long space of highway.  The troopers, from what I understand also lend their services to local PD's as well.....

This is FAR.....FAR from enough.

Now, I am a card carrying liberal. I have a lot of conservative friends who I politically spar with on Facebook, I find them smart, hard working, incredible parents and they challenge how I look at the world. I will never dislike a good person based on the political views that may not line up with mine-I find the very idea of cutting ties with people who do not agree with my political view points to be shallow and incredibly moronic....

This is something we all seem to be in agreement on...DON'T CUT EMS.

EVER

I was just informed by one of my political sparring partners (whom I respect a great deal) that the Ct State Police can only staff the same number or troopers over the Columbus Day weekend as they did back in the 90's. Our area has grown since the 90's, not acceptable staffing levels at all.

Our State Government has failed us...and it HAS cost lives. Malloy must go. (I hear the gasp of my conservative friends as I declare my anti-democrat stance on local government....Fact is, I have always voted Republican when it comes to local government)

How can we accept this when now we know someones parents are trying to wrap their minds around  the fact they have to plan their toddlers funeral? How?

Now, I promised I would not get political on this blog, obviously I am not good with promises. But I was listening to the local ems scanner last night, and when I heard an officer talk about worrying about overtime.....it hit me like a ton of bricks that this was BS. So what...OT....but it is the pressure to stay away from OT that is costing lives and we have only ONE person to blame...and that is our Governor.

As for our issue last night with Ms. Drinks-a-lot , we declined to press charges, she was young and in the middle of a fight with her boyfriend (from what we gather) .the local officers were extremely patient with her...and I hope she understands that if my husband was not home, there would have been a "stand your ground" issue to contend with.

 Yes, I have a gun and I know how to use it.

Now, in speaking with my husband about this happening, he did bring up one thing, he told me I should have used the words, "home invasion", I think it would have been a very different night had I used those words, and it would not have ended well for me at all...probably me ending up in a cell, in my pink PJ's.....until Tuesday when the courts were opened and I could make bail.

     I picked the picture above to represent my feelings about some of the  physicians I have seen through the years, many of them are boobs. Ok, so I don't have the best track record of choosing my doctors, two of the ones I have seen in my lifetime have recently had their licenses revoked and another was a producer of child porn. (he was never caught; he did die a slow death though)

Those are pretty high odds seeing that I really have not have seen a lot of doctors at my age. So, yeah, I have some problems with trust. Now that I am suffering from a couple of chronic illnesses I really have little choice but to start trusting. This is where I have a problem.


I have found that there are two types of doctors, ones with egos the size of Africa and ones who appreciate that they do not have to talk down to you....AKA, doctor without an ego.

I had been searching for a PCP physician for about 2 years before I found the one I have now, whom I really like. My last PCP was a bit of a dick, not only did he talk down to me, he didn't take some symptoms I was having seriously at all, I got the feeling that he discounted me as the hysterical woman who's uterus keeps floating through her body; AKA; sexist prick who should be retiring soon. The one before that wanted to farm me out to a gazillion different specialists and that was BEFORE my symptoms and the one before that just wanted to shove opiates/benzos and ritalin down my throat. (No, you can not have his name).

OK, so I am a little picky; I know I have a problem and I am working on it. I realized how pervasive my trust issues were after I fired an incredible Dr three times, at this point the man has no time for my abuse and I am swimming in a sea of regret; but I made my choices and I now have to live with them. I suppose I will be looking for a new neurosurgeon soon, at this point, even if I begged-I don't think he would take me back. And I do not blame him. I acted a fool.

I have two chronic illnesses, on top of several herniated discs that I deal with everyday. Graves Disease which is currently in remission and my Dr is treating me for mastocytosis, I haven't officially gotten the diagnoses yet with the latter, it is a rare blood disorder that even my hematologist knew little about. I feel fortunate to have found a PCP who knows about it and has put me on a good preventative medication protocol. I also like the guy because he has an RN in his practice and does not allow the medical assistants to run the show, another rare thing. He also listens to me, I mean, I can SEE this guy think as I run down my symptoms. I know when I am in his office, he is listening to me; I've only seen that once before and that was with Dr Fired3times.....so I think I have found a winner.

This time, I am NOT going to fuck this up.

Mastocytosis puts me in the ER a lot, I sometimes have anaphylactic reactions to...oh, air, food, meds....breathing. I have spent an entire life NOT being allergic to anything, now I am "allergic" to everything and it is a fucking battle.

My Epi pen never leaves me side.

It is hard to avoid allergens because these aren't true allergies. I don't ever know what is going to set me off.

There are two ER's near me, one I refer to as; "The Little Shop of Horrors" and the other is where my Dr is out of. I am smack dab in between the two and have visited them both often depending on where I am when my throat starts closing.

The thing with visiting an ER, you never know what kind of Dr/PA/APRN you are going to get. RARELY do you get one with a sense of humor. I am one of those people who gets funny when they are anxious...ER's always make me anxious. I could be at pain level 900000 and STILL be cracking jokes. But then the funny goes away and I end up with a full panic attack. I hate that. My last stint in the ER involved me breaking down and crying, I was frustrated with the Dr and I let him know it. He brought me back by saying he understands how frustrating it is for both physicians and patients dealing with a chronic illness....he then added some ativan and all was right in the world.

He understood- or at the very least he pretended to understand in order to calm me down. Before he walked into my room I was in, "take out my own I.V. and get the hell out of there AMA" mode, I am grateful he was experienced enough to talk me off the ledge- not all Docs have that talent and as for nurses, the young ones have NO CLUE how to deescalate a situation; while the  more experienced ones can deescalate without you knowing your being deescalated.

 I guess "bedside manner" means a lot to me. Having a Dr who is personable, makes eye contact, has SOMEWHAT of a sense of humor, understands pain and genuinely enjoys their job are all things I look for in a physician- as I have gotten older, I am finding these qualifications very hard to come by but I know the right Dr's are out there for me.

Thanks for reading and I hope I made some sense

YOU SHOULD WRITE A BLOG!!!!!!

You should have your own blog!!

Yeah, I get that all the time after I post an all too long post on Facebook. I do like to write, I mean..heck, back in the days of Myspace I really kicked some serious writing butt. All of those posts are long gone, I took down my Myspace page years ago-right after the local police contacted me through the social media website. Yeah, that is a long story...and I will get to it some day. No worries, I am not a serial killer or anything like that, I was simply a victim of a seriously flawed Doctor. 

I know, I have piqued your interest....but I will save that tale of woe for later.

I like to write and for years I have heard that I have a way with words. I usually hear that right after I told someone off in 1000 words or less...or more. Go figure. 

Well, a little about me; I am a 43 year old female whom has deposited a few kids on this earth, I've definitely contributed to the gene pool and quite frankly my kids are damn awesome. They just are...and yes, my kids are way better than yours at nearly everything. So, no need to debate that stuff. 

I am also married to an extremely patient and awesome husband. My husband is amazing if only for the fact that he puts up with all the crazy shit I get the family into...and trust me-trouble finds me. 

One of my biggest life challenges is my ADHD. In fact, I have started numerous blogs and have not gotten past setting the template-this time will be different, I am going to start the writing first......(adhd superstar here....)

I think my Facebook audience is getting tired of hearing of my medical tales of woe, I may transfer them here, I guess I am having a hard time coming to terms with a couple of chronic illnesses I have. Makes for some interesting times. 

Well, I know that building an audience will take some time, and so will making my blog nice and pretty like so many others I read often. I am sure I will get there.

Welcome kind readers.