Wow, reflection on human services...10 years

I remember my days working in the restaurant business, I loved and hated it at the same time. I mean, I loved the fact that I had money in my pocket when I left my short shift, hated the physical work of it, but because of the choices I made in my early 20'a, I really had little choice but to work in the hospitality industry.

So, I made the best of a situation and took college classes...slowly...one by one, when we could afford it. I was drawn to the "human condition" at Psych. 101. Hooked by the romantic notion of Freud, Id, Ego, Super-ego. All bullshit in a practical sense, but interesting none-the-less. The "hook", I guess was the power of wanting to help people. Wanting to make all their life challenges go away, psychological super-heroism....

It has been 10 years since I made the shift from musician/waitress/manager to the human service field. My first job after putting down the tray was in a long-term-care facility working as music/recreation therapist;

I can not tell you how thrilled I was to have the word "therapist" in my job title.....

I really thought I was the shit....I was going to save everyone. (in a LTC facility no-less-with my guitar, of which at the time I knew 3 chords)

I will never forget my first shift all by myself. I was sitting in my office when I heard my name being called over the loud speaker, I was being called to the nurses station by the nurse manager, I was told to bring my guitar.

I was so excited, nervous, anxious....and so damn proud of myself for the achievement of having my name called throughout the hospital (as it was still called)

When I arrived at the nurses station, smile on my face...guitar in hand, the nurse had, what I will describe as a somewhat devilishly evil look on her face. It wasn't until after she told me of her request that I realized this was going to be a "trial by fire" situation. She knew it, it was my baptism into what would be some major learning lessons.....

Boss-lady RN told me that Mr. Smith was in his final hours, he has no family to aid him into the after-life, would I be so kind as to sit with him and play some music while he takes his final breaths.

There was no saving to be done that night.....none.

I took my guitar into his room, sat with him strumming and softly singing to him as he stepped his way into wherever the after-life takes us. He passed away within the hour. I was truly happy to have had the honor to be with him in his death.

This is a scenario that I would repeat many times over, I got used to death and grief pretty quickly. I learned I was good at comforting people and I was strangely...calm when others emotions were sometimes out of control. I surprised myself.

Through that job, I learned that I was an advocate that I loved the psych patients and I LOVED to de-escalate those who needed to be deescalated.  In essence, I wanted to do what the social workers do...I wanted to solve problems, compassionately.

Since then, I have tried a few fields in human services; addiction, MR, neuropsych/trauma, racked up better qualifications grabbed a couple of certifications and found myself in management.

I learned that I make connections with people better within my work than I do in my social life.

10 years later I realize that I can not save everyone-especially with just a guitar, but I learned that I can and have made a small difference in peoples lives.

I've also learned that I have the wrong educational qualifications to do what I REALLY want to do....

I need to go back to school.

Fuck

I need to add some fancy initials....LCSW-MSW...you know that stuff.

The idea of going back to school not only terrifies me but it also annoys me to no end.

Nowhere in any clinical book are you going to learn that people who suffered from trauma or are deficient in one of their senses are able to read someones body language to the point where they are better than FBI profilers. This is a defense mechanism, survival mode for those who are in the system.

A book will not show you how someone who is street smart and suffers a lifetime addiction to crack will have read all of your weaknesses within the first 10 minutes of meeting them. You are ONLY going to learn the powers of manipulation after you have gone down the road of being manipulated.

You are not going to learn boundaries...you will learn ABOUT them, but you will discover yours by the mistakes you have made. That takes years, and many mistakes. No one will show you how to stay firm on your personal boundaries while trying to be pliable to those you are working with. It is complex!!

A book is not going to show you the different, creative and brutal ways human beings can be dicks to each other. Seeing is believing.

Compassion is not learned in a book, manipulation of a flawed social service system is not taught in a class room....in fact, during internships you are told, "it is what it is"........a statement only uttered out of the mouths of clinicians who need a career change.

Bed Bugs.....you will not be taught about bed bugs. I am the bed bug whisperer.....I own a damn hazmat suit....

No one is going to show you how to hide your tears, drive while crying or when to know when sharing a tear with a client/patient is appropriate.....

No book ever taught me to NEVER say "it is going to be Ok"....truth is, sometimes it is NOT going to be ok....

Most counseling text books will caution you about touching a client, but life will tell you that sometimes a pat on the hand, shoulder or a hug is essential to making that connection. Humans need touch sometimes.

Anyways....

My dream job that I want is to become an ER social worker. Even at 44, I still have some great years in me (even with the health challenges), it is the getting through school part that I do not look forward to.

I need to make a shift.....no doubt I am at an impasse with where I am right now and since I can not convince the licensing board to give me a license because I asked....well, it is time I go back to school.

Fuck.

Looking back, I took the walk of shame with that job, yeah, I got fired. NOT because I didn't do my job well, because I was naive, had no clue about working in a hospital and little training on charting.
I learned the lessons of my defeat well, I write some of the best assessments in my field now, another talent not learned through a book.