It has been a tough couple years medically for me, from thyroid storms to back and neck issues, and now this damn mastocytosis/ mast cell activation disorder.
Now, I do realize there are many people out there have it worse than I do.....some Dr's classify Masto as a cancer, while the word sends a chill down everyone's spine- I am not going to any of those Docs, so ...well, I'm good.
But damn. everybody does this so much better than I....How I am going to do this? It is damn overwhelming. I am an adhd kid, that means I am creative, outgoing, have a high IQ, am able to grasp tasks ridiculously quick, I am creative.....and I often break out in song and I lOVE to multitask.
But I am a dipshit. I forget things. I no longer medicate myself, I stopped when I was done with school and recognised some of the behavioral aspects of learning some good organisation skills which helped greatly in my professional life.
Ok, I do my paperwork at midnight the day they are due, but I do them well. There are just some things that are a little too late to change now. I embrace the good with the bad.....I've got to be me ya know.
I know my ADHD-isms annoy people at times, I am witty as hell and sometimes people do not know how to take my brand of humor and lack of filter.
Anyways
With all this medical angst going on, I have to remember Dr's appointments, this week alone I have had to reschedule the two appointments I missed from the week before. Of course, being a believer of natural consequences I am happily willing to pay the fine the Doc requests, ESPECIALLY since I really like this guy.
I charmed my way out of the hematologist fine, but that is a one time deal.
I have missed many appointments and have lost a couple of really good docs because of it. Oh, I set reminders on my phone, but I have lost my cell numerous times. So I have taken to emailing myself.
Right after my first back surgery, I missed my four week follow up, Not a good idea....then I ran into the doc at Target, I saw him out of the corner of my eye and had an "OH SHIT" moment...please don't see me, please don't see me, please don't remember me.....
Oh, he saw me, cornered me in the CD department. I tried to play it off as if I didn't feel a little mortified when he came up to me. We had a little moment in Target, luckily he is a great guy and didn't shame me. I called the office the next morning and got in really quick. He pointed out to me that I looked a little embarrassed, I denied embarrassment and pointed out I was wearing high heel boots and I was doing great.
Sometime later I forgot that I shouldn't go on roller coasters and ended up needing another surgery.
Oh, then there is the remembering to call for medication refills; I have never really gotten the hang of it. Sometimes I remember to call, a week early, so I call and TELL them I am calling a week early but will pick it up when it is due, hysteria ensues in the office..OMG, SHE CALLED 48 HOURS EARLY....or, I remember when taking my last pill and they ask for a 72 hour call ahead and I have to suffer from my own ADHD form of natural consequences, not their fault I forgot.
Then there is the taking of the meds, yeah, I have little pill thingy, when I remember to fill it and I don't lose it, it all works out great.
A tried and true sign of ADHD is when you take your ADHD meds. 15 minutes later you forgot whether or not you took it, er on the side of ADHD caution and take another one.
Yeah, I had THE cleanest house and car that day, I am talking ninja cleaning....accompanied by a kick ass dinner that the food channel would praise which included an additional trip to the grocery store all after putting in a day of work. I crashed hard that night after learning a couple of songs on my instrument of choice at the time.
I have never used my ADHD as an excuse outside of this blog, I make fun of myself with my friends and family, but I never outwardly offered an ADHD defense because I forgot something. To be honest, I do not look at it as a disability or mental disorder, I look at it as a talent the benefits outweigh the downside. It is part of who I am.
But. I know my limitations and that is what maturity has taught me. So the anxiety of failing is always hovering concerning some aspects of my life,.
I am just starting on this journey of an official diagnosis,; I have to see a hematologist, rheumetologist, dermatologist, my PCP, keep procedure appointments, get blood tests, dig up a new neurosurgeon, learn to trust a new anesthesiologist...and not take my meds twice.
Most mornings I can not find my car keys.
How the hell am I going to do this?
I do not have any other choice but to adjust to this new normal. Hell, I have already lost two epi pens.
I am just of the opinion that people with ADHD should never have a chronic illness. But, the world has different plans and somehow I will also find a way. It is just that right now, it is really overwhelming.
Well, this would be a really good time to find those epi-pens, I am discovering that for today, I developed an allergy to the peanuts I ate during the writing of this blog. Oh wait, I will just steal my daughters, if she herself hasn't lost hers....
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